The Mystery Closet Smell

I consider myself to be a 'clean' person. I bathe daily, brush my teeth regularly and empty my trash when it reaches the top of the can. We moved into a new apartment a few months ago and it smelled just like an apartment should. Not good, not bad, just normal.

Well in the last two weeks we have begun to notice that our walk in closet by the kitchen was smelling funny, and I don't mean 'funny ha-ha'. I mean 'funny weird'.

Every time I opened the closet I noticed the smell. I performed the normal inspection to determine the cause, which usually involved looking around, sniffing and shrugging my shoulders. Each time I entered, which was only about every other day, it seemed to get slightly worse.

Well today we had misplaced something or other and we were convinced it was in that closet. I opened the door to a significant increase in the odor emanating from the room. My first thought was that the damn neighbor (upstairs or down, we live in the middle) was taking a shit in their walk in closet and the smell was wafting into our house. "Those Bastards!" I thought.

I continued searching for the missing item when my naked foot slid under a blanket on the floor and touched something wet.

This was not good.

I do not live in a swamp.

My precious, delicate foot was touching something wet.

I pulled the blanket back to reveal an innocent bag of red potatoes. These spuds cannot be the source of the wet, I thought to myself. Until I moved the bag...

Do you know what potatoes smell like when you forget them in your walk in closet for 3 weeks after their due date?

They smell like ASS!

Not like a little fart, or even a floater left in the bowl. But like a gigantic BAG of ASS! When I picked up the seemingly innocent bag, its contents proceeded to pour out of the handy little breathable holes that come standard on every potato bag.

Now I was holding a five pound bag of spoiled ass that was leaking all over my foot and I had no where to go. To make a long story short there were paper towels flying, bleach spilling, foul language and now my foot smells like someone took a shit in a bottle of bleach.

The moral of this story is: "Be careful where you keep your Taters."

Duck Tracks

"Mommy, Mommy! There was a gigantic duck in our yard!"

"Shut up and go back outside!"

"Alright, but I need a gun."

"No you don't, now close the door!"



I swear I'm gonna get a pair of these and walk around my neighborhood this winter!

They are so freakin' cool. If I was a kid (I still am, I just wear bigger pants), these would be the most awesome thing EVER.....

The number one reason I want a Unicorn

I'm Brainy!

They say the brain is the most important organ in the human body,
but then again look at what's telling us that....

I need this kind of inspiration in the morning!

Finally, a post about lubrication

When I was a kid I had a Rubik's cube. I thought it was the schiznit, until I couldn't get it solved. Then I began to hate the cube.

The cube taunted me.

The cube called me names when I went to sleep at night.

I tore off the cube's little colored stickers and placed them in their proper positions.

I solved the cube.

Then I realized that the mutant cube looked like crap and didn't even fool my younger sibling into thinking I actually had the brain power to solve it. So I went back to hating the cube.

It turns out maybe I just need more lubrication.

Too much pressure to keep up

I haven't been blogging and now I feel tremendous pressure to do so. I think I just need to fart this constipational brain of mine, so that I might move on to better stuff. There is just too much pressure to make a really great blog after so much time off. I feel I need to explain, but that always ends up sounding corny when you over explain something as trivial as blogging.

Anyway, here are some goofy pictures instead:

I'll trade you three constipated nuns for a barfing grandma.....

I never claimed this blog was gonna be classy.

Pooped

I haven't blogged in a while.

I am tired.

Good Morning.